The Nigerian CTU* has issued the following rule to Nigerians traveling to the United States:

• Do not go to the toilet for the whole duration of your flight.
• Do not carry any kind of container into the airport, or onto the plane.
• Do not request for a window seat.
• Do not ask to sit in the aisle. Any request for specific seating may be indications of a premeditated plot.
• If you are given food during the flight, ask the flight attendant not to give you cutlery. A Nigerian with sharp implements on a plane is asking to be arrested.
• Do keep your hands in plain sight during the flight. Do not look too happy or too sad.
• Do not be too polite to flight attendants.
• Do not be aggressive or have aggressive thoughts toward flight attendants
• Try not to have any form of carry on luggage. If you do, make sure it contains nothing suspicious or dangerous like pens, pencils, paper, or a calculator, as these are common bomb making materials.
• Do not carry any electronic items that may be used to communicate with the Taliban ,or used for surveillance, like cell phones, iPods, walkmans, electric toothbrushes or cameras.
• NEVER travel with your laptop computer.
• Never travel if you have any kind of tribal marks. That includes the small marks you have managed to cover with facial hair.
• Do not travel to the U.S if you are an engineer, if you have ever lived in London, or if your father is a banker.
• Do not talk to other Nigerian on the same flight as you. It makes other people nervous.
• Do not ask to be upgraded to first class or business class. Sitting too close to the front of the plane makes the pilot nervous.
• Never admit to your fellow passengers that you are Nigerian. If asked, say you are from the Republic of Zamunda in East Africa.
• When you are getting onto the plane, do not even glance at the cockpit.
• Women, do not wear wigs, weaves or hair pieces. Any form of disguise is suspicious.
• Take a cold shower before coming to the airport. Sweating and scratching yourself is a sign of nervousness. Why are you nervous?
• Do not fart on the plane. Noxious smells might indicate you have bomb making chemicals hidden in your underpants.
• Do not go home with the free magazines in the plane. Yes, it says “ free”, but that is just a test. Leave the plane with those magazines and you’ll be arrested.
• Wear clean underwear and be ready for a full body/cavity search.
• Do not carry any potentially dangerous or toxic substances onto the plane like toothpaste, cough mixture, bottled water, mouthwash, lipstick, chewing gum or baby formula. Make sure your baby’s diapers are empty.
• Do not get angry with fellow passengers, for any reason, even if it’s their fault. You will still be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay.
• Do not travel by air into, out of, or across the U.S if you are Muslim.

A Muslim is defined as :

• Any person with a suspicious name like Mohammed, Fatal, Fatima, Barrack or Ibrahim, or if your last name starts with El-, Al-, or Abdul-.All Nigerian Alhajis, Alhajas, Alfas and Imams are forbidden from entering U.S. airspace
• Anyone that has ever entered a mosque.
• Anyone that knows what a mosque is.
• Anyone that dresses in long flowing garments.
• Anyone that has a beard.

NOTE: If you converted from Islam to Christianity, you are still classified as Muslim.

• Always travel with some kind of proof that you are a Christian. Preferably always travel with your pastor.
• Do not attract attention to yourself. Do not drive to the airport in your Mercedes or Honda like a typical Nigerian. Instead, drive an American car like Pontiac or Chevy. You may be mistaken for an American. Or Haitian.
• Do not ask to drink soda, tea or coffee in the airport or on the plane. Always ask for alcohol to prove you are not a Muslim.
• Do not travel by air in the U.S if you have ever had a parking ticket, extra-marital affair, stolen stationary from your office, or if you have ever exceeded the speed limit. This is a sign of severe subversive terrorist behavior.
• Do not travel on or around Christmas day or on September 11th. Avoid travelling on or around Easter, Thanks Giving , Independence day or New year’s Day. Avoid traveling on Muslim holidays. Avoid air travel in the summer or winter. (NOTE: no specific reason, its just to piss you off)
• YORUBA People: PLEASE!!! Do not prostrate to greet your elders at the airport. People may thing you are dodging bullets or protecting yourself from a bomb blast.

NEVER, EVER carry any kind of Nigerian food onto a US aircraft

• No, do not wear agbadas, head ties, wrappers, danshikis, etc to the airport. It is not recommended. They make you look very un-American, and therefore potentially dangerous.
• Do not act like a typical Nigerian for the duration of the flight. This includes speaking any language other than “American English”. Speaking any “funny” language is to be avoided. If you have elderly parents that do not speak “American”, they should NOT speak for the duration of the flight. If spoken to, their response to anything should be “Yeah man”.
• DO not talk to your fellow passengers. Statements like “ hello” might be misconstrued to be “Hello, you are my next victim”. Statements like “ Hello, my name is Mohammed”, may be interpreted as “my name is Mohammed and I’m gonna blow up this goddam plane”.
• Do not wear large afros that may conceal weapons or bombs.
• Do not carry any kind of document , newspaper or book that contains any form of Arabic inscription or writing. You will be detained until a translator can be found.
• Do not argue when you are told your luggage is over weight. Apologize profusely and pay double what they ask you for excess luggage.

And most importantly, only the following apparel must be worn to the airport…

*The Nigerian CTU: The Nigerian Comedic Transfer Union.

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