Windows Vista™ vs The Borg

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript:

"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg and Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

"What the hell is 'Windows'?"

"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Vista', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

"Yes, Captain. But when 'Vista' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as a 'Patch'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

.. . .6 Hours and 15 Minutes Later . . .

"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Vista' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'Patch'."

"Data see if there is anything we can do to increase the use of this 'Vista' by the Borg"

"Captain I have already done so and placed a direct link for the Borg to a program called 'InkBall' found within 'Vista' and sensors are reporting Borg CPU use is reaching a maximum."

Data: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'Patch' to compensate for their increase."

"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'Patch' Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not going through an 'Activation'.

"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

"Wait, Captain I just detected their 'Vista' is not running at full capacity!"

"Data, what do your scanners show?"

"Apparently 'Vista' has a kill switch to send itself into a reduced mode and is no longer allowing the Borg to access to 'Inkball' or other 'Vista' features."

"Is there anything we can do, Data, about this 'Activation'?"

"No, Captain. According to the documentation all copies of 'Vista' must be activated so unless the Borg complete the process I do not think there is."

"Wait Captain there is a change, as expected the Borg have adapted and it appears they have used a Twentieth-century 'hack' to bypass Activation and 'Reduced Functionality' and are once again running 'Vista' and 'Inkball'. This has increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources 'Vista' appears to make use of it with useless services and advanced graphical displays.

"How much time will that buy us?"

"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."

"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"Identify."

"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP 'MONOPOLY'. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

"Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

"I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by Twenty-first Century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and they are wearing Armani suits."

"Lawyers!!"

"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

"True, but apparently some must have survived."

"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as a 'law suit'. It often proves fatal."

"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that. "

From The Microsoft Certified Small Business Specialist blog.